No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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