What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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