She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize