I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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