Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
