I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
