Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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