we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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