this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
