I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
