That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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