So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
