i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
