you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
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