well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
