my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
