Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Never joke about your clitoris.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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