I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
So vagazzling was a success
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
