you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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