Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
