Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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