did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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