So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
