How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
