Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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