don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
