Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
