Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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