The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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