Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
