I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
