I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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