im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
where are you?
Hypothermia
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
