Don't make out with my wife yet
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
