So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
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