I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize