Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
