i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize