Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
