My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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