she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
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