There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
