I heard we made out
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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