im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
sex in a hospital.. check
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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