I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
