I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
