I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
