i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
