I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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