I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
and she was petting her beer can
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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