when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize