To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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