Whod you bang
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
