until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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