I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
