I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
