I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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