party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
