..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
