i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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