It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
