I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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