I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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